This past week I lost a “brother” he was not a blood brother, but someone I trusted or thought I COULD trust with my “everything”, who the fuck was I kidding, this is me right?! My ALMOST everything is much closer to where I would have my comfort level with trust. At the very least, this was as I perceived it to be, I never really have let anyone in that's my own issue though. I took a huge risk with my said "brother" and I was wrong, so very, VERY wrong, for that alone I am hurt, baffled and even perplexed. I am not a stupid woman by ANY means yet I always seem to be able to manage to make the wrong choices and when I do try to trust someone, I end up puttingmy trust and faith trust in the wrong person or people it seems almost habitual because I seem to do it over and over again. Then I act completely surprised when the outcome is the same, WAIT A SECOND!!! Isn’t the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?! HA! Brilliant! I am not so much insane as I am loyal to the undeserving (though I can be a bit nutty at times, it’s who I am, I’ve never met a comic who wasn’t though!). This person, was never who he claimed to be and I bought into it all, at one point he even was supposedly “managing” me, make that 2 times. THANK FUCK nothing really came of that, other than NOW I understand why I lost a few comedy friends (now anyway) Because don’t get me wrong, I am no innocent, nor am I without fault or demons of my own. It’s how you deal with them that matters, everyone has their demons, they make you stronger or they ruin you, depending on you as a person, and your strength of character. Now with “him” I’ve granted him all of this and then some, meaning I’ve been more than forgiving and lenient to his empty promises and straight up lies, his disappearing acts, his straight up bullshit, his absorbing my life as it were his own. I have been more than kind and we’ll just say “Christian” (though I am not) about the whole mess) and as far as demons go, I deal with mine daily I trust few, and let even fewer in. So it was nice to have a person to attempt to be able to let go and let in for a change from time to time or so I had thought. I have seen him through some craziness, and always forgiven him, for the most part looked away, as I was saying in a round-about way above But here I am now baffled. Absolutely perplexed as to how this happened?! When did it happen? How did I over- look the signs that I have entered myself …I mean seriously, HOW the fuck have I gotten into an abusive type, co-dependent marriage with my “brother”. I would not tolerate this with ANYONE, so why did I keep giving him cart-blanche like this? Well the blinders are off, and this time what’s done is done. NO MORE!! I am not a fucking battered wife!!
I woke up one day and discovered we were no longer siblings on Facebook and was at first undaunted but then I took it a step further, and deleted him all together. Drastic? Yes. Mello-dramatic? Sure. I had been trying to reach him for days via text and email and phone and had gotten no response. So I gave him what I thought was the most appropriate of all the responses to his “acting out” Because my life, my heart, my friendship my anything is not a revolving door and I am not a door mat, not now not ever, for him or anyone. One of our last conversations we had which I believe was via text he said “I guess I’ve missed a lot, then?!” To which I replied, “Yes I have been trying to reach you for weeks. But you are too busy hiding and being self-involved.” The SADDEST part to me is that he is supposedly sober. Not to preach program to anyone, because I hate that shite, I will never preach my beliefs of religion or what works for me, unless asked. It’s not my place, not for me to say and not how that shit works anyway. PERIOD! If people are actually doing it all correctly they would know that. Whateves! So once you do get sober, you are supposed to get a sponsor and work the steps, and figure out the reason you used. Most addicts whatever the substance used over feelings, period. It is up to them to find out what those are. It's tough work and a lot of people say fuck this and leave, but a lot stay as well, the hardest part is getting honest, I mean TRULY honest with yourself, letting go, forgiving you, your you and starting from new, with yourself, then adding in the rest. When you don’t work your program, i.e. the steps, you are considered a dry drunk/non active addict. Basically you are still doing all the same behaviours without putting in. NO- ONE working their program properly as in their steps actively would act that way. ESPECIALLY someone claiming to be a Buddhist, it’s all a bit of a head wreck to me to say the least. He reinvents himself to whatever he thinks will make him more likeable at the moment, to whomever rather than just stop and figure out who the hell he is, and learn to like who he is. I guarantee he would be more authentic than any of these “characters” he thinks he is. It’s sad really to watch him do this, well I am not watching, I have left his life for good now. I had too. It was the only way to save me, my sanity and all of it. My loyalty needs to lay with me first, and then my family. HE was not my family case and point coming next paragraph.
He invited me along on a family vacation, I agreed to go, and was actually excited to go, hang with his children and spend time with just him and the children and be mellow, and we discussed it, lightly it got closer to the dates. I phoned friends in Massachusetts to tell them of my upcoming visit, then all of the sudden…..Yeshi goes MIA!!! SHOCKER!!! I NEVER hear back from him no matter the email, text, message left. A grown ass man could not grow a set and call me to tell me one way or another no or yes, so he OBVIOUSLY went without me. That stung, and is really fucked up if you think about it too. It’s like having your whole family well your surrogate family of sorts go somewhere and to go out of their way to let you know you’re not part, of it. Then post pictures to their Facebook to let you know you were definitely not a part of this. Who does that? HE does well he did anyway. I brushed it off because it has become a running joke how he NEVER follows through on ANYTHING he says if he makes a promise it is as good as not done. If he says he will be there, he won’t be If he says he “will” he “won’t”, if he says he “might”, it’s his way of a non- committal NO, so you cannot be mad at him for him not showing. Then has the audacity to turn around and get angry when he is not invited vicious cycle.
The sickest and saddest part of all of this is that there were a few other females involved in this particular LIE-A-Palooza, and one in a friend of mine though we are not as close as we once were, I can only thank “him” for bringing us together. The other is and has got to be the absolute sweetest (most undeserving of any of this) woman I have ever known. He has been leading her around on a string for over two bloody years now. Normally I would stand up for my brother’s ANY OF THEM, and absorb the punches right along with them. All 5ft whatever of me…..I may be small but I am a scrapper, NOT something I have on my resume but it’s true. However with this girl “Jennica” I was not about to stand up for him, I just could not with this girl. He broke her, and she did not deserve any of it, I mean NO one really deserves to be broken, but I remember, the reactions my brothers had when this was done to me not so long ago, different circumstance but still, I could not act unperturbed. This was my story in a lot of ways through someone else, and I was heart-broken, embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted. Partly I worried if there was something chemically off with my “brother” but then I realised there wasn't, it was all part of it, he would block himself in a corner and fall over and "need help" etc. it was now a running joke.
I listened to this woman tell me these stories and to her crying and all I could do was apologise, and tell her, the truth as I knew it. What he had told me that she and he were no more as of quite a while ago, and that I knew of his girlfriend before/while/during her called “Tish” and I am still friends with her, and that maybe she should talk to her, and or his ex-wife for the real truth. Because, he is and was obviously not honest with any of us, but that she deserves better, and I will listen to her anytime. However, I don’t want to bash “him” after this call, because it is a waste of time and energy, he is obviously very sick, and needs help. I answered her questions as honestly as I could and the more she asked the more I realised, I don’t know him, nor do I want to, or will I open my life up to him in anyway ever again. I hope he finds the help he needs, I just found it interesting that a lot of “my stories” had become his stories aside from having, and surviving cancer on more than one occasion. I still live with tumours, because I am told one or two are inoperable and I am no longer afraid of any of that stuff.
I think that I felt such a loyalty to “him” was because he was one of the few that stuck it out with me when I was very ill, and fighting, while everyone else jumped ship, and he made an effort, he did check in on me regularly. THAT meant something to me, because I am a very loyal person in that regard, do right by me and I will be loyal to you for all of my days, or until like this instance, you have done too much damage. This time there is nothing left to fix too much damage has been done, the foundation is way too cracked and so the whole house is being levelled.
There was a time in my active-addiction that I can relate to so many of “his” behaviours that I nearly shudder when I look at how he has acting. Being a reformed liar is worse than being a reformed smoker, I go out of my way to make sure I am honest. If I DO tell a lie, I will tell on myself before anyone else can, even white lies. I hate the thought of being “that girl” again, where no one can trust me, or no one leaves their purses, wallets, children or anything they held precious or of value unattended. However, like a person getting sober, you cannot make a person see, they have to want it for themselves, they have to have hit bottom and lose or hurt enough to make that change, and it HAS to be or at least feel like it is their decision. The psychosis that has allowed for him to become this person where pathological lies have become so second nature to him I don’t think he even has a concept of reality anymore. However, just like getting sober has to be HIS OWN to discover that something is really wrong. My fear is that he’ll end up beaten to a bloodied pulp over it all he’ll tell lies and tall tales or stories to the wrong person or people and BLAMM-O Lights out!! Being sick enough to make plans with two separate women about weddings and moving etc., is beyond disturbing to me. Knowing how heart-broken Jennica is and how long she feels it’s going to get over this. Lucky for her, I can see things she cannot, so I’ve put her mind at ease that way. She’s going to be fine, in fact, she is going to be better than fine! This is just a speed bump, trust me, I’ll keep you updated, who knows she might even do that herself!
I have already admitted I am not without fault, but I am also not without delusions of my own these “delusions” keep me believe it or not grounded. When you feel like you are constantly in the wrong place, with the wrong people, speaking the wrong language, you kind of have to in order to keep your sanity. As for me, I don’t belong here, simple as. I have known this for years, I feel shiftless and unsteady and will be until I am “home” that I feel like I can truly begin to breathe and flourish. Then and only then my “real life will begin” and there are only a handful people that understand what that truly means. Back to the subject on hand though, right?
How can you tell someone that you hardly know that they’re going to be fine? That yes it hurts for now, and I KNOW it feels like it IS the end of the world, but it is not! Just have faith, the hardest part of ALL of this for both of us, is letting go. While I did not love him like she did, I did love him. It’s hard to not have someone that was nearly a constant for so long be gone, he was my “person” (when he was available…..moody fucker) he was her everything. This makes my heart so heavy for her. That was before he started to pull this MIA crap which would become more and more regular towards the end of everything. Don’t get me wrong, I UNDERSTAND people have lives responsibilities, the whole lot of it. I am not daft, but telling someone you will always be there and already being called on it once, that’s just bullshit and completely fucked up in my opinion. So it is apparent to me that he was more of a habit than anything. From a realistic standpoint, if you look at it, we had both gotten so used to talking to him. Mine more so, was just jokes and runs, checking in etc., and on a very rare occasion I would actually hear back, more or less reporting to him for something in one way or another, to keep the lines of communication open, if you will.
For Jennica it was so much more, they were making plans for a life he was never going to follow through with, but she did not know this, and how could she? He the type of guy that when he DOES speak to you, he makes you think that you are the only one in the room, or that you are his main focus for that conversation. WHEN you are speaking to “that version” of “him” and I can understand why girls fall for him I really can. Not so much looks wise, though he is not a bad looking man, but he is definitely a smooth talker and a modern day con- man with no con or a game so to speak of. He claims to have more than he does and that he “let his ex-wife just take it all, the house, the furniture everything, he didn’t want a long drawn out battle.” Yet three years later they are still going to court and not divorced……interesting. What he should do is become a preacher evangelist get all of their monies, there you go, a tent full of idiots hanging on his every word…….so him! PERFECT!!!
I remember him using a really cheese-dick line on me one time, and telling me that this one song will “always remind him of me” only to find out that he said THE SAME thing to the girl I’ve been consoling for the last few days. We had a laugh……talk about generic! I told him, you are my brother, and I never will ever think of you that way. I believe he also said “If I just looked into his eyes I would know it was all true” Talk about sad, that’s just pathetic! How can you be a “playa” if you’re going to use a cookie cutter, right? That’s just sad. But it worked for a while, from what I was told he had about 4 or 5 going at one time, and I cannot imagine how he did it, but he did! So good going there, Yeshi!!
I am no angel, I used to be quite the man- eater, and I had no conscious about it at all either. Then I got clean, and became accountable, and really care how people feel by MY actions now, it’s NOT all about me anymore. It’s NOT all about what feels good at THAT moment, there are consequences for everything. I need to stop, listen, look and evaluate the situation before I act and or REACT. Sometimes NOT reacting is an action. I need to remember that. ALL people have worth, and I NEED to treat them as such, I AM NO better than anyone else, and I should never look down on anyone for any reason. Find the beauty in everyone, the way I am able to find the laughter, slow down and breathe. Remember YOU are worthy, but you don’t have to keep people in your life out of obligation anymore. Cut the ties, if the ties are cutting you.
So Yeshi, I wish you well, I hope you find the help you need, no matter where you run to YOU will always be there. So you need to stop running. Jennica, you stronger than you think, and for the times you are not, I am here to help you out. I am not going anywhere I promise. You are an amazing woman, an deserve so much better than what and how you were treated, I am at least glad you found out now, to be able to start off the next phase the right way. Fresh start, new career, new life, no free loaders! I believe in you and I love you. I promise that.
t, -ot or, especially Brit., pa-tree-uh