My apologies for it being SOO long for a post or any signs of life, but I have been getting back to me, and sometimes it takes a bit of a bop or some such to make this happen. I actually had a shove, but I’ll get them back for that ;) it’s not all bad….I am returning to where I feel I belong, my rightful place the UK and Europe for that matter. John Lennon had the most apropos quote befitting to this situation as well as reminding me of my place in the Universe ALL the time! “Life is what happens, when you’re busy making other plans.” Beautiful Boy- John Lennon. Sometimes I forget how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things, I think I have a lot more power and control over things than I actually do and then I become so disheartened and dissatisfied when things DON’T go according to HOW I would like them to go and what I had them pictured to be. I was offered a job, a FABULOUS job my ultimate dream job, I am under contract with so I cannot get into specifics about just yet.... but YAY FUCKING ME! I had a partner that I thought was perfect for me, a notch under my belt as in a milestone in recovery and just when my life cannot seem to get better, I step on a land mine. By landmine I do NOT mean the NYC term for dog shit either, though it’s not far off, I suppose. So that is the long and the short of the inspiration behind this blog I suppose.
I am sitting on my bed surrounded by chaos, and by chaos I mean boxes, debris and the absolute fact that I have no control over what happens next. I was supposed to return to the place that I would be calling home. When it occurred to me in my mind’s eye home was NOT a place but a person, and that right there made me snap awake, with a clarity I had not had in some time. I had once again given in to an idea, a delusion, a want, a need if you will. I realised that, I have been lost for a long time, not lost as in direction or purpose, but lost as in to where and whom I belong. Truth is I belong to no one and no one belongs to me, NO ONE is property of another person. It is up to each of us as a person to be faithful, loyal, and committed, out of honour, respect and everything in between.
If you HAVE a partnership it should be based on trust honesty, respect, understanding and an unspoken gratitude. A worshipping type of gratitude is just idiotic and mental and we all know I loathe idiots, when you CHOOSE a partner and your partner chooses you back, whether there are vows written , exchanged, expressed, spoken or unspoken, you should be grateful. Grateful that this person has signed up to put up with your "bullshit" day in and day out regardless of how you look if you lose or gain weight, hair, a limb, have a lifelong disease that most people will not understand, they are your partner in crime, life and discovering things about yourself and them as well. When times are hard, they help share the balance, it’s just how it is, so be grateful if you have this.
If you HAVE a partnership it should be based on trust honesty, respect, understanding and an unspoken gratitude. A worshipping type of gratitude is just idiotic and mental and we all know I loathe idiots, when you CHOOSE a partner and your partner chooses you back, whether there are vows written , exchanged, expressed, spoken or unspoken, you should be grateful. Grateful that this person has signed up to put up with your "bullshit" day in and day out regardless of how you look if you lose or gain weight, hair, a limb, have a lifelong disease that most people will not understand, they are your partner in crime, life and discovering things about yourself and them as well. When times are hard, they help share the balance, it’s just how it is, so be grateful if you have this.
If you don’t just know that it is out there and you are deserving of it, and it will find you one way or another. It may be the last place you look, so my advice it stop looking, give up throw your hands up and give this one over to the Universe, it knows what it’s doing…..we just screw up everything down here…at least I did and sometimes I still do. Out of fear, my logic being, if I don't let them in, they cannot hurt me, they'll only leave anyway. My best friend died when I was 16, my Nan when I was 10 and the list goes on and on. My becoming a comic was NO accident, it was my way to vent, deal and make fun of how fucked up I thought I really was and am. Turns out A LOT of comics are just as twisted so I was right at home, I was not as dysfunctional as I thought I was just fun. Fun meant booze and anything else I could do to shut off feeling anything, which I did for many years, as I've written before. I'm straight now and I really hated when people preached to me, that is not what I do. or what this blog is about. Moving on, I became increasingly unskilled and untrusting of people and relationships, almost fearful of emotions and being human.
If it was beautiful, I would break it to see if I could, if they loved me I pushed them away, or ran very far, very fast, to prove I could and then cry because I was alone. Or worse I would push to see how far I could take it, before it would break often bewildered by peoples patience, endurance and "love" for me. Truthfully I would have bailed on me AGES ago! If it was mine, I'd take it for granted, if it was easy, I didn’t (and still at times don’t) trust it, therefore most times don’t and didn't want it. If it was not like me I am fascinated by it until I figure it out then I become bored, once I am bored I am done, once I am done I am gone. This was all old behaviour that I am SO thankful I have learned to change; I learned the value of people at MY OWN expense. So before you or anyone you know makes these same mistakes and breaks the heart of someone undeserving, first at least be grateful for the partner you do have even if you cannot stand the sight of them at this moment. If their voice is like nails on a chalkboard to you, if EVERYTHING they do is wrong, and you think “really? Really? I mean, really? Are you THAT daft?!” Chances are you are not listening, or realising something that is going on with that person, the one that has signed up for your bullshit, the one that says nothing about this or that……the one that SHOULD but does not, the one that could but chooses not to; is still there, loyal, loving, willing and taking the hits. It’s amazing what people do for the feeling of security…..for that feeling of home. So before you give up anything, make sure that you’re with the right person, you’re both on the same page. Watch their actions, because a person can lie through their words but never through their actions, remember that always, because that is not bullshit and will prove to be right every time!
If a person had gratitude for the least little thing it will show in the simplest ways, if they do not….that will show just as assuredly…..clear as day. There is a difference between selfishness, foolishness, ignorance, selflessness, pride, ego, arrogance and misguidance. It is easy to confuse them though, most people do and throw the labels around so readily but really have no idea what they are saying. When a person is selfish they cannot see past themselves, like the saying “He could not see the forest for all the trees”, it is all about them, their needs above all others, when a person is foolish or shows an example of foolishness, they know better but do the act anyway, not in a selfish manner but in an act of ignorance. Ignorance means just that being ignorant of or a fancier way of saying stupid or daft. Selflessness means to be completely taken out of self, to do for others as you would yourself, without question, hesitation or a second thought, you put other people on the same par as yourself. Pride is to have an inherently inflated sense of self which you display through actions. Ego is basically conceit….it is what most people feel is being attacked when someone points out something to them about their actions or character. Something that is most likely the truth but they don’t like the way it was presented so it becomes an issue alot of times an arguement or debate. Arrogance is like Ego on crack…..it is an amplified often offensive sense of self. Misguidance is easy, to be led wrong or to take the wrong direction, either by your own thinking, another person's advice, suggestion or something that may have been heard. The power of suggestion is stronger than people think, look at a picture of someone yawning in a book and see for yourself....only after you find youself doing it of course!
NEVER be afraid to ask questions; just be afraid of the one’s you don’t ask! There is no reason to play mind games especially if you respect the person you are with. It is not a power struggle, it is not a fight for control and if it is, question what the hell you are doing there straight away! Don’t be anyone’s punching bag EVER, emotional or otherwise! Life is short, never be in a relationship where you are not getting back what you give. Practice an attitude of gratitude and if you find you’re not receiving it back, it’s time to go…..no harm no fowl. You’ve done all you could, but if you are in a relationship where it IS all clicking, love fiercely, without condition, and without abandon. Live life with as much passion and wonder as if you were seeing it all for the first time, because really, you are! Oh and maybe tell your partner thank you every now and again…..for signing up for your "bullshit", that wouldn’t hurt anything either! So it all comes down to home is within all of us, don’t let anyone take that from you, it is a feeling you can share with someone much like love. It’s up to you WHO you choose to share it with, but like love, you would not open up your home to just anyone now would you? I didn’t think so. It would be a fucking Soup Kitchen in a heartbeat and you'd be PISSED homeless pissing in the corners, it would get ugly real fast! Don't do that to yourself your partner or your home! There is a great line from one of my favourite movies called Moonlight Mile (lesser known, but brilliant by the way... I highly recommend it) "you find your home, it may not be how you pictured, the style may be off, the colour all wrong, but you find your home." I hope you all find yours, or realise like I did, it was with you all along http://youtu.be/TO2YhY_L2Jc
Be well ALWAYS!
xx-hh
